An Open Letter to Sir Russell

Dear Crash Coutts,

Yeah that's what they called you cos you crash all the time, but let's face it, you are past your best, now you sit things out, it's not 1984 anymore and now you get off cruising around in the Caribbean in some fantasy big boy bling world far away from what you used to called home.

How come when you do crash back into town with your billionaire sport, all I see is a sour frown and a stern old stick carping on at people who care about the dwindling numbers of my kind?

You see Crash Coutts, my name is Hector and my family are pescatarians, usually we dine on yellow-eyed mullet, red cod and flatfish, but truth is things are tough and we used to number about 30,000 around these waters but now, we are down to 10,000 while my cousin the Maui, they are down to the last fifty.

If's hard enough with all the pile driving and turbidity making visibility tricky but your Sail GP boats top out at 100 kpm which is way faster than I can swim, even when I dive out of the water, and I am pretty quick, but not that fast...you try swimming out of the way of something coming at that speed in low visibility.

We dolphins are not as fast as sharks or Orcas which is why we have to retreat and be clever and wow there's a marine protected area for us, where like you, we can put our fins up and feel some kind of temporary security just for a while...until people like you come along ...with your mind on the money and your money on your mind.

I don't mind sharing space but I draw the line at you acting like you own the place and we don't exist or matter.

Now I understand you have your followers, usually those who get clicks for pics on social media or tin foil hats who think vaccines make you into a magnet - but your fans are not the Phd type, not the people with the grey matter, cos on balance - most of them just think you are a right royal prick.

I heard you were against forced vaccinations when there were no forced vaccinations Crash Coutts?

People could choose to get a job, nobody forced them - and you walked amongst the people who wanted to harm Jacinda like a great big dur brain going on about FreeDumb in a pandemic.

Not too clever aye Crash Coutts!

Just like your starry eyed low IQ fans. Well my Grandfather said "thanks for all the fish", but I say "Thanks for nothing Russell" you can exit the stage - the first one outta town.

Sure we all like a boat race, yeah but not at any cost - and we like NZ to win, but this is my home dude and how would you like me flapping up and down in your front room and bitching and moaning how you are in my way and threatening to throw my toys out of the cot if you spoke up?

Well I don't get to speak do I Russell so I have to rely on someone to do that for me.

Try to see it my way and bugger off with the carping on at people every time you show your rat faced mean hearted frown back home.

You look like some kind of spoilt demon in the back seat.

Oh and scientists are not idiots and my kind are definitely on the endangered species list ...Mr Tiny Little Brain but big fat wallet, so fact check before you make a bigger arse of yourself next time.

How does it feel to be thick as a ...no never mind.

You are good at sailing a boat is about it really.

As for your Libertarian mate David Seymour - he thinks this is like driving to work, when it's actually my dining table you are cutting up and down across, clouding the visibilty and bang you want to split my brain open at 100km per hour.

Not very polite are you.

At least the good folk of Aotearoa ( he he he ) are willing to reach a polite compromise and cancel events when there is a risk of you making me into Dolphin Steak but you don't give a blind fark do you Russell?

Your withered black heart reminds me of a burned capsicum on a grill so I might have known you'd pull this bullshit again.

You and your Act Party drongos...and tinfoil hats and media gold diggers swimming after troop ships are all as bad as each other.

Out of touch, not a Dr Dolittle amongst you.

What happened to the little boy who loved the sea?

What happened to you dude? Was it the bling?

See you next Tuesday - that's what we all think about you Russell, so spare me the threats about you fark'n off for good.

The purpose of this letter is to smile and wave as you get the heck out of town Crasher, just so you know, some of us still choose to live here, despite the threats to our survival from your kind.

I speak for loads of fish as well...crabs, cockles and snails.

Thank goodness for the Greens, the Māori, the folk from Labour and those who give a damn about more than your stupid silly elite game and all the neoliberal planet wreckers who cheer you on.

They are so much all a dime a dozen, fat headed Beagle Boys in suits scoffing at how everything is interconnected and we are all part of one big family...or we should be ...you know, but yes I eat fish and you eat BS.

Time to cut us some slack Russell and grow up and be the man you were meant to be, not this petulant, selfish man child with a big boys toy.

Frick off to wherever you want to go...there will be other sports we can watch without killing things.

See ya, would not want to be ya.

Yours Sincerely

Hector.

G