Satire - Laura Norda and Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall and all the Nats horses and all Act's men could not but Humpty together again.

"He never should have trusted Mr Plod with numbers", lamented an onlooker as a small crowd gathered around the broken shell of Humpty Dumpty the once esteemed leader who owned seven houses, a quarter of a million dollar speed boat, a tesla no matter what Mandy said, and a diverse portfolio of investments spread evenly to minimise risk and maximise returns.

"No don't blame Plod", groaned Humpty lying in his own yoke after he slipped up on the slippery opex surface way above his comprehension levels.

"There was.... a minor mixup... and he corrected it immediately", gasped Humpty still wincing as the waaambulance arrived.

"Oh you poor poor egg", cried Nurse Audrey as she ran like a tent full of marauding gorillas and bent down, in a heap - and applied the softly spoken, "there there" excuses - as she sponged Humpty's brow.

"It was not your fault, you are not expected to know that both opex and capex were being invested when making announcements" fussed Audrey.

"No king should have to know what his Knights should know" smiled Audrey as Humpty's lying eyes rolled back in a haze. But suddenly her face fell like a bucket of lead sinkers and she remembered Queen Jacinda the Great would have known.

A flash of cognitive dissonance made Audrey twitch as she searched for something to ease her disturbed mind.

"You're just an egg, not a real Kiwi", reflected Audrey, "but Mr Plod should have known better! He must have pushed you".

"Where is Plod?" screamed Audrey, "He had one job, to restore Laura Norda but he made a criminal hash of it, and she is still out of control!!"

Strangers looked at each other cos Mr Plod was last seen pretending he knew what he was talking about - exactly where Humpty had been standing before he fell.

"Somebody find Mr Plod", shouted Jason a Herald with a fog horn voice.

"I don't think this will affect Humpty's popularity", sneered Hooton the dressmaker, "It's just how he rolls, how he leads, all his aces...".

"Stop, do not say that", said Jason, "We should be talking about plod not the broken egg".

"It's not the first time he's slipped up", muttered Thomas the Turd Polisher, "But I think people will see his strength, I mean nobody can control Laura".

"Good luck with Laura", said Jason as Hooton the dressmaker lifted his skirt and walked away like a coalition promise after six months.

"Humpty's plan to build a giant prison proved to be a dumb plan", said Thomas shaking his boof head, "Mega Prisons don't work on Laura"

The theory that Laura would be attracted and lured to big houses, big buildings like prisons and $57,000 office refurbishments was all predicated on Humpty's projection that Laura liked what he liked.

Humpty was a narcissist like most ambitious, self centred eggs who think they are the bees knees and destined to rule.

But Laura liked to run out of control on her latest spree. And she was off again as the people looked to Mr Plod to save the day with something that worked, not gang patch bans, or military boot camps or other tired old neoliberal junk mythology.

Instead of knowing his numbers - Mr Plod had been hiding from the media like he did in 2016 after he proved beyond doubt he was full of shit and no Einstein.

Mr Plod was more like a piece of four by two, or a solid plank or something that carried one bit in - and one bit out - in a serial procession, slower than a crippled snail in an energy vacuum.

That's when Laura Norda ran past Mr Plod - completely out of control, dancing and singing and twirling around, her hair a mess , her lippy smeared - not all calm and serene - like when bold Sir John was at the palace - and nobody reported retail crime.

"Pull yourself together and get out there after her", said Mr Plod to himself as he cursed his own cowardice, and he lifted his slow moving legs to walk in the manner of a skittle wobbling from side to side.

Bur Mr Plod was not chasing Laura Norda - he was heading back to town where Humpty was being stretchered into the Waaahmbulance by Atlas Network PR people in white coats.

"Stop" yelled Mr Plod as they went to shut the doors on the reality.

 "I need to correct something, it needs to be in a press statement", said Mr Plod as Jason pulled out his pen and Thomas leaned forward like a doofus.

"Everything I said before was wrong", said Mr Plod, "It was me, not him and I must do better".

"What do you mean better? Better than abysmal?" asked Jason.

"Better than Humpty taking the blame", growled Audrey as she gave Mr Plod three harsh brick bats across his chubby chops.

"Don't make Humpty look bad again, or I will come after you", seethed Audrey, "Who do you think approve the head lines in this town?"

"You mean DumbTown!", said Monty a passing cat who like Mr Louis could talk and ride a bicycle.

"What I would say to you, clearly and I don't know how to be any clearer", said Humpty getting up on his neoliberal elbows.

"I let you down, I will take responsibility", said Mr Plod.

"It was just a mix up, he corrected himself quickly", said Humpty from his stretcher inside the waambulance - as Audrey closed the doors and Mr Plod watched ...as the waambulance drove away to Atlas Network Hospital.

"What the hell is that racket?"exclaimed Mr Plod as he turned around and everyone was shocked - as Laura Norda smashed the dressmaker's window and laughed like she did not care about tougher sentences.

"I'm going to have to resign", thought Mr Plod sadly as everyone turned back around and stared at him like he was the most useless thing ever created.

"That's what you get for being a misogynist pig", said a feminist voice behind a veil...

"Yeah that's right plod you were an absolute...moron", said an expert criminologist.

"What?", said Mr Plod waddling off ...hands behind his back, down the same old road called "Never works" , back to hiding ...before things got out of hand and his lack of detail showed again.

"It was only some numbers", said Mr Plod beating a hasty retreat out of town.

Satire - Laura Norda and Humpty Dumpty

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