Satire "Where on earth do people talk like we do?"

I was incredibly inspired at Waitangi, when people came together with a range of diverse views and despite that they actually talked and did not throw dildos, or mud or eggs at each other.

Incredibly I reflected how after everything I ignored from Annette Sykes, and Hone and that other fella - how we all had an incredible unity of purpose to go forward together as New Zealanders, one nation, one people, and you've got to ask, what other country on Earth does this kind of subtle assimilation thing with a pre written speech from 2022 and 2023?

It's clearly not like Congress nor the House of Commons nor e pluribus unum - out of the many there is one - written on every US coin. I mean back at the ranch we talked about it in my cabinet how incredible we were, especially myself, clearly.

New Zealand is unique - nobody has had an argument in open air in human history, and I was incredibly inspired how clearly New Zealand is the only place where people have differences and talk about them before leaving in a hurry.

Everything is tied to a better outcome and that's why I listened carefully and said "I'm not going out there" and then I led the way - taking charge, activating the outcomes by chunking down my agenda and powering through, driving my hand into the hand of the Kuia - and assuring her there was nothing to fear as I led her onto the front porch and I spoke from the heart, addressing the issues I had heard spoken, from my cue cards.

It was important to me that David Seymour's divisive Bill got some aeration, so when that fella lifted his skirt doing that ceremonial dance and showed him the wood, I was pleased for David - aeration - lots of aeration and no I was not staring at a second election as David twisted my arm for 41 days, I compromised and he compromised and my position has never changed, I don't know how to be any clearer.

There's a lot of misinformation, Cook sailed south not north and it was seven decades not six.

Now some of you are saying I will leave the vote from the Select Committee on the order paper for a future time and slip this Atlas Network agenda through all in good time - but I want to be very clear - I don't want to talk about that - you've got to leave a door open when stating categorically and unequivocally that the door is closed, read my tongue licking lips - I don't know how to be any clearer than that, clearly.

You journalists were not invited but my plan is to buy off any Māori with cash for practical solutions - you know this used to be about blankets, clothes and gunpowder cos the colonists believe in localism and devolution just like I do.

This week was the first time people with seven houses wearing suits had seen third world houses up North and I was incredibly frustrated that poor people exist, so I said to Nicola - can we bribe them?

Clearly the public cannot change my mind, and what I would say to you is remember I ruled out working with the Maori Party and welcomed David as my preferred partner all based on the polls.

Polls schmolls, what I care about and care about deeply like all psychopaths is, not my own selfish interests but the most vulnerable - which is why we canned those cultural reports and the cottage industry - remember Māori are the largest victims of crime so its back to the slammer for many of them.

Ask Claire how I punch back like the greatest hero of all time.

David says I got nervous but I've got to tell you, what I would say to him is, I want consistency of message - that we are just people like you navigating our way to a more united, stable, peaceful and prosperous future with more of them in jail and more carbon in the air.

So what if it takes $60 Million to lock em up, what I am saying to you is Mark Mitchell will ban those patches and stop them consorting, you know talking to each other cos they have different views, where else in the world do people gather together in open air and just talk?

Clearly the drop in EV sales is a better outcome, just like the lack of progress in Health and the way crime levels are getting worse under my watch plus the ANZ says the OCR will go up twice thanks to Nicola's disciplined financial management.

Just because Winston calls Dr Cigareti by the name Dr Shane Jones - does not mean he's gone senile, what I would say to you, is I have Winston on a very short leash and when I say sit down, he sits, he does not storm off and spray money around in the Pacific Islands.

Chris Bishop said getting rid of Maori from the RMA was what Maori wanted cos who cares about us killing the last kiwi, cutting down the last kauri and polluting the last stream - when there's productivity in mining the ground and we can all be more prosperous and a world leading small advanced economy...where a minority have seven houses and the rest are low wage slaves.

In closing it's been an incredible week for me and for my Atlas Network cabinet as we activate the outcomes and my strong leadership at Waitangi was seen by all as I work at incredible speed to get things done but even so I think I was last to leave Waitangi as I engaged with everyone and did not run away as fast as my little chicken legs could carry me.

Not like the previous Government who left an ungodly mess on the BBQ, I pitched in and got things back on track.

What I would say to you is clearly I cannot take all the credit.

My mother told me to cross the floor and talk with people who don't have white skin and although this was difficult, I'm incredibly proud of the way I did that, another box ticked and I'd do the same next year.

I've had an incredible week and what I would say to you is what I have consistently said all along, that I don't know how to be any clearer, read my lip licking lips...as leader of the National party not as Prime Minister, the Treaty is in the past, in the present and in the future, but we will not be re-litigating sovereignty nor doing justice to Article 2 for Maori in any government that I lead.

Satire "Where on earth do people talk like we do?"

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